we stutter over prayers we swore we'd say...

[Sorrow Kai Doom]

January 9, 2010
9:40 a.m.
Day # 4015

I'll start to worry when I'm dead.

The Agency is sending me out again tomorrow. So much for a break. I guess I should have seen this coming. They never actually give me as much time as they say they will. But I guess I knew what I signed up for. It's not like I'd be doing anything else. Fuck.

I honestly still have no idea why they make me keep this journal. I always thought the agents did that so that the Agency would have something to give their loved ones if they didn't come back. I don't have anyone to give this too, so I'm not sure why they still make me write it. Maybe it's lilke an OCD thing. I would say that I hope I didn't offend anyone saying that, but if you're from the Agency and you're reading this, then I'm probably dead, so I probably don't give a damn that I offended you. Honestly, I think I'll be a little busy at the moment.

Actually, I just thought of something. Isn't is stupid to make me write this? What if someone finds it? Doesn't that seem like a bad idea to you? Honestly, you're supposed to be smart, aren't you? Hell, I feel like an idiot writing this stuff down. Do you think I've filled the word requirement yet? Let me go check.....

Nope... What do you want to talk about now? Me? Hah. That's a joke, isn't it. Can't you just read my file. It'll tell you all you need to know. Name? Sorrow. How was I recruited? Well my parents had to go and get themselves killed and I got stuck in a fucking orphanage, so you tell me? What do you want from me? What do you really want? I fight for you. I fight for everyone and you can't give me a single week to relax? That's got to be like abuse or something?

What else is there? My life is Top Secret, right? Am I even allowed to write it down? This is a joke. It has to be. And now I really have to go or I'm going to miss out on my last day to do whatever I want without you running my life. Screw the word requirement.

Doom

[Sorrow Kai Doom]

January 17, 2010
1:23 a.m.
Day # 4023

Well, we might as well be blind if seeing is believing

Note to self: In case you haven't noticed, you're not dead. Wow, that was brilliant. I think I might have caught on by now, considering I'm still walking around and stuff. Not that anyone else would've noticed if I had died. That's the funny thing about being an agent, isn't it? You have to be the sort of person who can make friends on the spot and can never really have any friends. You have to be the sort of person that no one really cares about. Well, that's convenient. I'm just that sort of person. I'm not complaining. Well, maybe just a little bit. I mean, it isn't exactly fun, being alone all the time. But what can you do about it? There isn't anything to do. Not really. Because I can't make myself safe. That's not who I am.

But wouldn't it be only fair to have one person, just one, who gives a damn if I come home. But isn't that selfish? hoping that someone will cry if I die? I want someone to hurt because of me, though. and doesn't everyone deserve that? It's been so so long since anyone has cared. I think I've forgotten how it feels. I mean, I'm not a total hermit. I have friends, but no one really knows me because I can't tell anyone where I disappear to. I can't tell anyone what makes me who I am.

Does that seem lonely to you? Well, it is.

Doom

[Sorrow Kai Doom]

February 07, 2010
10:48 p.m.
Day # 4044

burn like hell, is what they'll say to me.

I have another job tomorrow. They won't tell me what it is until I get to the base. Really brilliant, huh? All I really want to do at the moment is sleep, which would be much more useful to me than writing this, but they insist... I guess you might be wondering why I listen to them, if I complain all the time about the rules. I'm not big on rules. But The Agency is my life. I've grown up there, and once you know about it, know about all the stuff going on, you really can't go back. I know I can't, at least.

I'm not thrilled about their rules, but what they do is good. And I do believe in good. Hell. I know there's a stupid word requirement... but I have a situation here.

Doom