Peace of Mind [[Saul]]

[Killian Harry James]

The air outside was chilly but inside it was quite nice. The heater was going on low just to keep Killian from shivering. Winter, he didn’t really fancy the season but he couldn’t really do much about it. The heater was warming him up fast and he had to take him sweater off. He was walking around the house with just a plain black shirt and his old jeans. He really had no idea what he could do today. The house was quiet and he was all alone, he let out a sigh and plonked himself down on the couch. This morning when he woke up Saul had already left, he wasn’t sure where he had gone and he still wasn’t back yet. Killian wasn’t worried Saul was tough and could look after himself.

The minutes dragged on like hours and he was growing more and more bored. He hated having days off from work, he would rather be doing something then just sitting around all by himself. He heaved himself off the couch and walked over to the window that looked out onto the street. Everything was white from the snow that had fallen during the night. He had to admit everything looked nice when it snowed, but why did it have to be so cold. He couldn’t wait for summer to come back; he liked walking around with nothing but his boxers on. Dragging his eyes away from the outside world he looked around his simple home. Not a sound could be heard, except his heart beating in his chest.

Lazily he walked up the stairs and along the quiet hallway. He pushed open his bedroom door and looked around. There were a couple of pairs of dirty socks on the floor and the bed hadn’t been made. He figured he could straighten up the place to pass the time, and for when Saul came home he could see that Killian hadn’t been lazy the whole time he was gone, where ever he was. With a groan he bent over to pick the socks up and he tossed them into the hamper and the head mindlessly made the bed to the best of his ability and then sat down on its edge. He looked around the room, it was tidy enough he probably could make it more tidier but he didn’t have the energy.

He then spotted his guitar, it was next to Saul’s, a small smile broke out across his face and he got to his feet and walked over to the two guitars. He then picked up his guitar and bit his lip, after a moment of nothing he put the guitar back and picked up Saul’s and walked back of to the bed and sat down. He never played Saul’s guitar but he had the feeling that it was time he gave it a go. Placing the guitar over his legs he got his fingers in the right position and started strumming. The sound was dull was it wasn’t plugged it. He closed his eyes and played the notes that he had been working on, secretly. He didn’t want anyone to know that he was attempting to write a song.

Words: 535
Notes: Starting thread! woo hoo
Muse: Okayish
Tag: Saul!

[saultaylor]

It was before the pain that his mind had started running, but it wasn't until after that his body had finally let himself. He'd never had a hallucination so up-close, so real before; he'd never had himself in pain before. He'd had conversations with them, sure, but usually he just kept to himself, and they just lingered, staring in the background. But this one, it had touched him, given him pain, pain that he couldn't describe... He didn't know what was going on. He'd never done that to himself before.

He was still shaking when he'd found his way to the front of his apartment complex; he jammed the key into the lock and found himself in the grubby, smoke-smelling lobby. He swung up the stairs- he never trusted the elevator, and anyways, he didn't like tight spaces- and threw himself into his apartment. He didn't bother taking his coat or shoes off, just tore into the bathroom, trying to keep his hands steady while he searched for that tiny orange bottle of pills, the 'just in cases...' He dry-swallowed two, and let his body slip down the wall to sit on the floor, curled up with his eyes shut tight.

He hated this. This disorder, this mental disease. He was unwell- he was seeing things, for god's sake. He held his breath to try and control his heart beat, count to ten, slowly exhale... He tilted his head back, letting it rest on the peeling, yellow wallpaper behind him. The medicine was setting in. What he'd noticed about the pills was that it didn't keep him from seeing that hallucinations; it just dulled down the fear of them. It made it so his sleep was so light and wispy, he didn't have the chance to dream. He hardly had the chance to sleep.

He had let his eyes drift closed, simply listening around him- a car horn in the parking lot. Sirens on the west side. Guitar in the bedroom... Killian. Saul let a tiny smile neutralize his frowning face- the older boy still thought that Saul had never heard him play. True, Saul had never been able to sit in front of him and listen, and he'd never heard more than snippets, but he'd heard enough, enough to know that Kill was just being ridiculous with his insecurity. But then again, Saul wasn't really the one to talk about insecurities.

Saul eased himself up, pulled off his coat and shoes and left them in the living room, then slipped into the bed room- the floor was cleaned, and the bed had been made. Killian had probably gotten bored to tears, and started cleaning, Saul figured, smiling to the young man as he sat next to him, kissing the tender spot of his neck just under his ear. "Play me a song?" He asked, burying his nose into the crane of Killian's neck. The evening's events sunk into a dreamy past as he sighed, sunk a little deeper into Killian. That boy always had the power to calm him down, more than the lithium being introduced to his blood stream could lay claim to.

[Killian Harry James]

As Killian played his eyes had slowly slipped closed, he believed that if he closed his eyes while he played he could visualize the note better, hence the music sounding better. He continued to strum through the song, he had gotten caught up in the moment and nothing around him was there any more. No sound, no worries. It was different playing Saul’s guitar, it was a little heavier than his and it was louder than his even if it wasn’t plugged in to the amp. All in all it was just a better guitar then his. He didn’t mind that his boy had a better guitar then him. All he wanted was for him to be happy, and if that meant he had a better guitar then Killian then so be it.

A noise down stairs, the noise of the front door closing with a slam, alerted him to the arrival of Saul returning home. He opened his eyes and looked down at the guitar in his hands and thought about putting it back, but then realised that Saul shouldn’t care that he was playing his guitar other than his own. He loved Saul very much and he knew that Saul loved him. Surely he shouldn’t have a problem with him playing his guitar. Although on the other hand he has been acting rather strange lately and his temper had been at its highest peak. Oh well Killian would deal with it if it happened, he had a feeling that he wasn’t going to be getting upset with Kill today.

He closed his eyes as he heard Saul go into the bathroom and the sound of pills in a plastic container entered his ears. He was having a bad day again; Saul always resorted to those pills on really bad days. Which was almost every day lately; it pained his heart knowing that he was in so much pain and suffering from his little problem. Upon closing his eyes a single tear fell from his eye and slowly ran down his cheek. His fingers began playing once more; he started at the start of his song again. The thoughts that were running through his mind made him miss a few notes and the sound was pretty bad. He swallowed the lump in his throat and continued again. It sounded better this time.

From the sound of things moving down stairs, Saul had left the bathroom and was making his way back up the room. The door opened and Killian continued to play, preparing himself for any mood he might be in. He felt the weight of his boy press down on the bed and then next a kiss to the sensitive spot on his neck, Saul knew that it was the place that makes him melt. He felt like he was agreeing to anything, when he kissed him there. He stopped playing and welcomed Saul as he pressed himself against him. He then asked him to play him a song, “What would you like to hear?” he asked and placed a kiss on the top of Saul’s head. He was in a content mood, and Killian smiled at the thought.

Words: 531
Notes: N/A
Muse: Okayish
Tag: Saul!

[saultaylor]

It was nice to just... sit down, next to Killian. Killian made the bad thoughts go away. Sitting made his heart beat slower. the only thing that would have been better would have been a nice nap, curled up against his chest... Maybe later. they were already in the bedroom, they might as well. At least a nice, pleasant little lay-down sounded really good right now, to Saul... He noticed that Killian was playing his guitar. He hadn't noticed before, because he was just focused on sitting down and not curling up into a frightened ball of tears. He was feeling okay, now, though- a little dull, a little sleepy and fuzzy, but he was feeling okay. And that was all that mattered.

He didn't mind that Killian was using his guitar- just confused at it, and a little watchful since he was protective over the guitar. The thing had been his grandfather's, the only thing of his mother's that he kept after her death. He used to have his own guitar, a little piece of shit, but this one... It was beautiful. 1960's Gibson, the cherry finish was a little rough but it played like nothing before... If it was anyone else touching it, Saul might have had to slit some throats, but He knew that Killian knew how much it meant to Saul, and probably had handled it with the utmost of care.

He felt a light kiss on the top of his head- he leaned into the young man's side, feeling soft and slightly happy. “What would you like to hear?” Saul thought for a second, then shrugged- "Something happy," he requested simply. "Doesn't matter to me, just... something nice. Something happy." He'd had enough of the minor scale today.

[Killian Harry James]

Having Saul next to him, leaning up against him made Killian feel so content and relaxed. He was at his happiest when he was Saul. He didn’t know what it was about him; he just made him feel as though nothing could touch him. He felt like that because with Saul around nothing could touch him, Saul wouldn’t let it have the chance to touch him. Killian loved that about Saul, he protected him like no one has ever done before and he knew that he would always be safe with him. Killian was pretty positive that Saul would never hurt him. Even if he was going through some tough issues at the moment, he was sure he still wouldn’t hurt him, well he hoped so anyway.

Killian asked what Saul would like to hear, he smiled at Saul’s response. He was definitely feeling a little better today, if he was asking to hear something happy, something that would make him smile. Killian nodded and thought quickly about what it was he could play that would make Saul smile. Then something sprang to mind and Killian himself couldn’t help but smile at the song in his head. He moved his arm around so that Saul could still be comfortable leaning on Killian and he was still able to play the guitar. Like usual he closed his eyes and visualised the noted on the back of his eye lids and placed his fingers in the right place on the strings.

Seconds later Killian started playing “If you’re happy and you know it. The soft dullish notes filled the room and the tune was very recognisable. Killian opened his eyes and smiled and continued to play the song. There wasn’t much to the song considering it was the same notes over and over again. Half way through a strum he changed the song and the new notes resembled that of Twinkle twinkle little star. All these songs were childish and very easy to play, but Killian believed that it was the easy basic kiddie songs that brought on the smiles. He finished up the song and got to his feet and gently placed the guitar on its respected stand and returned to the bed.

He sat back down on the bed and pulled Saul over and wrapped his arms around his body. Holding Saul close like he was always made his heart pound fast and hard against his rib cage. He didn’t know why but he liked it none the less. “How are you feeling today?” he asked resting his cheek on the top of Saul’s head. He ran his fingers up and down softly over the skin on Saul’s arm. It was something he did all the time. Killian didn’t want to let Saul go he just wanted to hold him forever. The wind outside had picked up and the snow had began to fall again and Killian shivered, he hated cold weather. He watched the snow fall down past the bedroom weather and hugged Killian tighter.

Words: 506
Notes: N/A
Muse: Okayish
Tag: Saul!

[saultaylor]

Saul closed his eyes, sinking further into Killian as the day wore on- He always liked being close to the other boy. He was taller than he, but Saul had always liked being the 'outside spoon,' the one to hold Killian- it was usually the other way around for Saul, but Kill just... brought out those protective instincts in him. He would pull a knife on anyone that would dare try to hurt Killian, he knew that much... e just didn't know how true those dreams really were. Those terrible dreams where Saul, in late at night after a show, creeps into the bedroom, shoots him four, five, seven times, stabs him, slits his throat... It's different all the time, but it's ever the same.

I would never do that to him, he thought, tried to persuade himself. I really, really like Killian. He's helped me more than he could know- you just have your problem. Your problem is what keeps you from being sure. You're the problem. Your problem. You're problem... As Killian tried to play with one arm wrapped around Saul, the younger boy slipped out from under his arm, instead curling up around him from behind- he would rather listen to the song in full than have Killian struggle for the notes around his tiny torso. Killian thought for a second, then began playing a simple, childish tune- As soon as he started, Saul laughed softly, feeling the grin spread on his face. He loved Killian, he really did.

Well... Love was a strong word. He laughed and gave Killian a soft round of applause as he ended and put Saul's guitar back in its case, mulling this over; love. He'd never even told his mother that he loved her. And he had- she was a wonderful, strong woman that had subjected herself to a lot and always came out on top. He had only known Killian for around five, six months... It was a while as far as dating for Saul went, but he didn't think he was ready to commit to those 'I love you's' yet. He would stick to the 'really really really really really really really really really really really really really like's'. Sounded good to him.

Saul turned himself towards the window, feeling the pleasant chill seep through his skin- the heater was blowing hot air everywhere else in the apartment, but the bedroom window didn't close properly and always let in amazing amounts of cold air. Saul slept by the window- he loved the cold, and Killian hated it. It only made sense. He felt the pressure of someone sitting on the other side of the bed, and then the comfort of Killian pressing against him, arms wrapped around him- his heart was beat-beating against Saul's back, and it pleased Saul to know that Killian was alive.

“How are you feeling today?” Such an open-ended question for something so large. Anyone else, that would have been nothing big; but for Saul, it was a daily struggle. How was he feeling today? Terrible. Absolutely terrible. Even through Killian's embrace and the lithium and the extra pills he'd taken during his attack, he still felt terrible. He felt like those damn things were going to crawl up through his window and get him. They'd done it before, he was sure they would do it again. They would just crawl up and hang on the outside of the window and watch him; it was terrifying.

"I'm doing... Well," Saul lied- he would never be able to tell Killian anything about the hallucinations. He'd told him enough- bipolar, manic depression. Sometimes, I get very angry and I don't know why and it's not your fault and if I ever, ever, ever try to do anything to you stop me because it would hurt me more to know that I'd hurt you do you know that? He didn't need to know about the winged people, the green-skinned and the... the vampires. Shit, now he was seeing vampires.

[Killian Harry James]

Killian smiled at Saul’s little applause after he had finished playing. He returned to the bed after replacing the guitar back on its stand and came to hug around Saul. He asked how he was feeling today and he waited silently for a response. When Saul did reply he was happy to know what he was well, but there was something in his voice that made him not believe him completely. It was like his entire mind was consumed by something and he couldn’t get it out of there. What was he thinking about that he didn’t want to share with Killian? He wouldn’t press the matter, because if Saul wanted to talk to Killian he would tell him. “That’s good” he said and leaned closer to Saul.

The cold breeze that was seeping in through the open window made Killian shiver and out of instinct he sat up and walked over to the closet and opened it up, he looked around for a moment and found a hoodie, it was once back but it was now all faded and grey. It was his favourite hoodie and he didn’t care how faded or old it was. He pulled it on over his head and slipped his arms in. Once the hoodie was on he walked over to the bed and lied down on his side, the furthest away from the open window and put his hands back under his head. He looked up at the ceiling, frowning slightly at the cracked and peeling paint. He really wanted to change the colour of this room but, just didn’t.

He closed his eyes for a moment and looked over to Saul again he couldn’t help but smile. Even though there was a smile on his face the thoughts of wanting to know what Saul was thinking crept back. He really wanted to know what he was thinking but knew for a fact that it would just cause some kind of drama between them if he was too ask. Every time he did ask something like that, Saul got all defensive and didn’t speak to him for hours. He hated it when he got the silent treatment so he would rather just remain in wonder what it was he is thinking. It’s just easier on Saul that way. He then cleared his throat, “Come lay with me?” he asked hoping that Saul was in the mood to just hug.

You can never be too sure what kind of mood Saul was in, it always changed all the time. Lately Killian has grown used to what to expect and how to deal with his mood swings. He found it easier to just let him go and do whatever it is he has to do. It kills Killian a little bit inside every time he gets like that. Why does Kill stick around after everything he is going through with Saul, you might think? Well the answer is simple, Kill believes that there is hope for Saul and that one day he will get better, and he also feels that something strong was growing between them. Even though Saul doesn’t really show it much, it was there. Killian really felt that he loved Saul, but getting in return is a different story.

Words: 547
Notes: N/A
Muse: Okayish
Tag: Saul!

[saultaylor]

Saul had always hated lying to Killian. Telling him he was okay when all he wanted to do was let his fear and confusion loose, maybe curl up and cry for a while... But he knew that things would be different if he told him the truth. He hated even more when Saul had to outright refuse to answer Killian when just the right question was asked; if Killian inquired further, Saul would have to push him away. He wished he didn't- oh, how he wished he didn't have to push Killian away. Out of all of the people Saul had ever known, Killian was the most deserving of the truth, but Saul knew he would never be able to give it to him.

Things were strained as it was already, and all Killian knew was Saul's pills and his anger, his highs and his lows that needed leveling. They'd stayed together based solely on Killian's willingness to work through Saul's mood swings, hoping that one day he'd just... get better. Saul didn't know how much longer Killian would be willing to wait for a cure that simply wasn't going to come... And if Saul had given in and told him the truth about the hallucinations, or heaven forbid the nightmares? Killian would be out the door in seconds. Saul was crazy. He was dangerous and unstable. He saw things that weren't there and had dreams of death.

He knew it was selfish, to keep all of these things a secret in order to keep Killian from leaving him, but he knew that it was a risk that was useless to take- there was no chance in Saul's mind of Killian just smiling sadly and saying Well, we'll get through this. As long as you don't really kill me, we'll be fine, right? It would be foolish on Killian's part not to take the tip and run. Saul knew that, and would hold on to the good times with Killian until his own horrors became unbearable, he killed the love of his life in his sleep, or his psychiatrist lived up to the threats he often gave to Saul and told Killian everything. Something must go wrong, but until then the eighteen year old would clutch to the only thing that kept him sane, if only relatively.

After a few minutes of shivering, Killian got up and went to the closet to pull a sweater over his head; that famous sweater, worn and faded and so comfortable. Saul liked wearing Killian's clothes, especially to bed or just around the house; Killian weighed about the same as Saul, but was more than three inches taller, so most of his clothes fit more loosely and felt more warm to Saul. They smelled of Killian, too, which was a comfort especially on those odd nights when Killian was gone. The nineteen year old made his way back to the bed, laying down and resting his head on his arms. “Come lay with me?” What kind of question was that? Of course Saul would. The younger boy shuffled around a bit to Killian's height, then squirmed over to him, resting his head on Killian's shoulder, tossing a lazy arm across his thin chest.

It was moments like this that Saul could really just take a deep breath, close his eyes, and almost fall asleep without the aid of medication. He hadn't had a dream in weeks, though, and he wasn't about to skip a night of the meds just because he felt comfortable. It wasn't close to bed time, though, so Saul didn't have to worry about that. He just wished he could take naps with his boyfriend like everyone else could. "I got a bit of money from the reading this afternoon," Saul brought up after a few minutes of silence, his left index finger idly tracing circles in Killian's t-shirt, fabric stretched taught against his torso. "You want to go out for dinner tonight? You can pick the place, my treat."

[Killian Harry James]

Killian hated getting the feeling of being lied to; it was just this horrible pain in his gut that he got when he thought people were lying to him. He had gotten that feeling just before when Saul spoke. He never followed his gut when it came to Saul, he told himself over and over that Saul would never lie to him, but there was just something in his voice this time that made him a bit sceptical about how much truth was in his words. Killian wasn’t going to let it bother him, if Saul was fibbing slightly he was only doing it to stop from hurting Killian and that was good enough for him. Saul always looked out for Kill even if it wasn’t in the best of ways, but still was looking out for his well being.

Killian felt much better after putting on his hoodie, he really couldn’t understand how Saul could just lie there in practically nothing and sleep through the cold wind that came through the window. Killian just couldn’t do it; he would shiver himself to death. Having Saul on the other side of the bed closet to the window, made for a good barrier against the wind, also he got and snuggle up against him whilst he sleep, which was a plus. Lying back on the bed he asked Saul to lie with him and he was looking forward to one of those snuggling sessions right now. He hadn’t seen Saul all day and he didn’t get much snuggling time last night, as Saul was thrashing around so much in his sleep.

He smiled when Saul agreed and made his way over to Killian. He rested his head on his shoulder and put his arm over Killian’s chest. Instantly Killian’s arms can over to rest around Saul and his fingers traced softly over his Saul’s arm. Killian felt so comfortable there with Saul, he felt as though he could fall asleep right there with his boy in his arms. They haven’t done that in so long, Saul’s sleep was so disturbed that it stopped him from lying too close to him. There was silence in the room, and Killian closed his eyes as he took it all in as he knew it would be a while before they would be able to do this again. He treasured moments like these, as they were numbered.

Saul’s voice entered his ears again, breaking the blissful silence. He opened his eyes and looked towards Saul, as he spoke of getting paid for the reading he done today. He smiled to him and continued to listen to the rest of what he had to say. It surprised him a bit, as they hadn’t gone out for dinner or did anything close to that in a long time, with Saul going in and out of his moods all the time, their public activity was minimal. Killian thought about the question for a moment, where could they go. “There is a place in town that has just opened up, it’s called Bravado” he said and pulled his other arm out from behind his head and used it to pull Saul closer.

“I hear that they had good food and it not heaps classy, but casual” he said and closed his eyes again and sighed. Being alone all day was worth the wait for this moment. He was hoping all day that Saul would come home in a good mood and he did. Having him in this mood made his day, he traced his fingers over his arm just enjoying the softness of his skin. Through everything they have gone through he couldn’t be happier to have Saul in his life, Killian would go through anything and would do anything for Saul.

Words: 633
Notes: N/A
Muse: Okayish
Tag: Saul!

[saultaylor]

It felt so nice, the chill of the bedroom on Saul's back but the warmth of Killian and his sweater brushing against his side, his arms around him, holding him tight. No one had ever done that to Saul before- it was just Killian. It was always just Killian. It was why Saul had taken to protecting him, he was sure- Killian protected him. put his arms around him when Saul was on the verge of insanity, held him close to drive away everything that was ailing his fragile mind. He felt small patterns being traced on his arm, and he smiled slightly, burying his face in Killian's warm-sweatered chest. He inhaled his scent deeply, the scent he missed. He hadn't done enough for Killian lately.

Saul was satisfied when Killian looked pleased about the prospect of going out to eat- “There is a place in town that has just opened up, it’s called Bravado” Bravado. Hm. It sounded familiar. He tried to remember what he'd heard about it as Killian pulled him closer to him- Saul shifted, letting most of his minuscule weight fall on Killian's bony side. “I hear that they had good food and it not heaps classy, but casual” Saul shrugged- sounded all right to him, he guessed. "I wanted to take you somewhere shmancyy," He whined, rolling so he lay on Killian's stomach, letting his chin rest on his collar bone, smiling up to the other young man. He tilted his head upward slightly, and kissed him lightly on the lips, grinning through the kiss. "But if you want to go there, that sounds good to me, too."

[Killian Harry James]

Killian loved just lying there with Saul, it was him most favourite thing to do. Whenever Saul was out doing something he felt like he was missing a part of himself and when he returned so did that missing part. He would never forgive himself if something was to happen to Saul, Kill had to protect him always, and always make sure that he was safe from whatever was going on in his mind. Killian looked towards the open window and sighed as he was going to fix it so that it closed all the way, but remember why he never did it. Saul liked the coldness that poured in through the window and it was just small things like that that made him happy. That was why he never fixed it.

Killian shifted his body so that Saul could rest easier on his body without it being uncomfortable for either of them. He loved being this close to him; he wished that he could just stay like this forever and not have to worry about anything ever again, but sadly it wasn’t how it worked around here, Kill knew that this happy mood of Saul’s wouldn’t last forever, as soon as it came down to going to sleep, the torment would start again and not only Saul would be stressed and in pain, so would Killian. Kill tried to help Saul every time he had a nightmare or just couldn’t fall asleep. But Saul just wanted to be alone and didn’t want him to help him, this Killed Killian inside, every time.

Killian explained about Bravado and laid there in silence waiting for Saul to consider the idea. Kill couldn’t help but grin when his boy replied that he wanted to take him somewhere fancy, Kill could help but smile and laugh a little from his whiny tone. It was just so damned cute when he did that, it was also refreshing as he hadn’t done it in a long time. Killian welcomed Saul as he rolled onto his stomach and rested his chin on Kill’s collar bone, it wasn’t uncomfortable as Saul didn’t weight all that much and he was used to having him on top of him. It brought back a lot of lovely memories. Kill closed his eyes as Saul came up to kiss him, he kissed him back gently.

He smiled as Saul spoke, telling him that if he wanted to go there then that was okay with him. He brought him arms up and wrapped then around Saul and pulled him closer placing another kiss on his lips, he loved kissing Saul. “I don’t know any place fancy, we can go to someplace fancy if that is what you want, give me a reason to get dressed up and look sexy” he said and smiled.

Words: 471
Notes: Sorry for taken forever to reply.
Muse: Okayish
Tag: Saul!